you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He has the fingertips of a God
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
