wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
