My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
