Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
