you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
