i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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