Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
