Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
