you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
