good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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