We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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