I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
