The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
