so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
