What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
