i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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