Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
