Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
These tits shall not be calmed
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
