Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
