So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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