We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
