He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
