Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
