I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
