she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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