Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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