ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
