The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
