Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
