the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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