it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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