I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
