Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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