Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
