So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
