You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
