did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
