In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
