my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
