oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
