So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
