We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
