I need to stop coming to work sober
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
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