she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
