Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
