I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
