You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
