I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
