I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
