I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
