Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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