Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
