we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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