i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
